What My Arguments at Home Taught Me About Social Performance
I remember it very clearly.
I was teaching in Bristol and a boy in my Y5 class was overwhelmed and angry, understandably, given what he was navigating at home.
He picked up a chair and threw it at me.
Later that day, a kind colleague asked, “Oh my goodness - are you alright?”
And without even thinking, I said what so many of us have practiced our whole lives:
“Yeah, I’m fine thanks.”
I wasn’t ‘fine’.
Not at all. I was feeling upset, worried and vulnerable.
But in that moment, my brain wasn’t thinking about answering the question honestly.
It was thinking about connection. About not making things uncomfortable.
So I swallowed the emotion, held my breath, got busy to distract myself and then took all of the unprocessed emotions home with me.
Speaking of home, this is where things got difficult.
Back then, I didn’t have the skills to let challenging emotions process and pass. So they didn’t. They built up.
They intensified quietly on the inside until something seemingly small was the final straw.
Where did that always happen?
With the people I loved most.
My husband. My girls.
The relationships where I felt safest.
It wasn’t consciously done or intentional. It was just happening.
My brain spent all day socially performing. Navigating relationships, avoiding emotional discomfort, people pleasing and then finally, at home, it felt safe enough to release all the emotions that had built up.
The exact relationships I wanted the best connection with were the ones receiving the brunt of my unprocessed emotions.
Then I’d navigate the shame, guilt, discomfort when I was snappy or argumentative.
Natural. Normal. But not emotionally helpful.
Everything changed when I learned how to minimise challenging emotions before they built up.
I learnt how to let them process and pass in a way that protected my relationships instead of straining them.
Basically, the steam is let out of the kettle nowadays on a daily basis in a way that serves me.
This means I now have so much more patience.
More tolerance. More kindness. More flexibility.
More emotional energy for the people I love.
It’s now the right way around.
I’ve written about this today because last week when my eldest daughter, Chloe, created a WhatsApp group for me and my husband, she labelled it with this description:
“The Stockies – a great outdoorsy family that love each other and support each other through bad times… to make it short, we love each other.”
The love has always been there but now I’m emotionally regulated day‑to‑day, it gets to dominate our everyday.
Plus - I have capacity when the challenges or ‘bad times’ do come along, which they inevitably do.
The Neuroscience Behind Social Performance
When we are navigating life as pressured professionals, our brain will naturally produce stress, worry and pressure.
It will be happening when your brain’s on autopilot.
That said, we are also wired for social survival. Your brain is constantly scanning for:
Acceptance
Belonging
Safety
Connection
Therefore, when stress, pressure or worry feature, even in a small way, your brain instinctively looks to protect the social connection.
That’s why we say:
“I’m fine.”
“It’s nothing.”
“I’m okay.”
“Don’t worry about me.”
Even when we’re with people we trust.
Your brain is trying to prevent emotional disconnect.
It’s therefore completely natural for us to socially perform, but those stored emotions don’t disappear, they wait and intensify.
Then, they are felt in our safest moments with the safest people. The safest relationships.
Which is why the people we love most often see the emotions we’ve been holding in all day.
This is what emotional empowerment makes possible:
Relief
Self-support
Reduced reactivity
Greater emotional capacity for others.
Practical Steps to Protect Your Relationships
Here are three gentle steps to begin influencing this pattern for emotional advantage:
1. Notice your “I’m fine” moments
Where do you automatically protect the interaction instead of expressing how you feel?
This awareness alone allows you to recognise how you’re really feeling internally and consider self-support.
2. Ask yourself: “What emotion was I avoiding discussing?”
Often it’s something like:
Overwhelm
Hurt
Embarrassment
Fear
Disappointment
Bringing this into consciousness supports the feeling to process and pass.
3. Give yourself the emotional support you withheld
Your brain needs to access self-support and reassurance.
Try practicing a daily thought like:
“It makes sense I felt this way.”
“That was a lot for me.”
“I’m allowed to have this feeling.”
This is the beginning of helping your emotions process and pass, instead of them building up and spilling out at home.
If You Want to Transform This More Quickly…
This is exactly the work I support clients with and I’m here in complete support.
If you’d love to consistently feel:
Calmer
More regulated
More empowered
More yourself
…my free 30‑minute Discovery Call is a gentle place to begin.
No judgement or expectation. It’s just a safe, exciting opportunity to explore the emotional experience you seek and the steps your brain needs to create it.
You can email me at:
hello@coachingillumination.com
Here’s to creating both emotionally supportive relationships AND the emotionally supportive brain you deserve.